My girlfriend's upset. I'm not sure what made her this way. She had a bunch of panic attacks on Saturday. She hasn't been the same since. I dunno what I'm suppose to do about that.
We went to Ulana's on Saturday night to see John. I miss him terribly. People I use to know where there. People with piss poor attutides that think they're so much better than me.
Let me lay it down for you, I am happy. Which is something that most people won't ever be. I have some plans & goals for the future. I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to say that I won't be dressing up like I'm a 20 something when I'm 40+. I'm not going to tell people that their lives are less important. Darling if only you knew that my life is focused on what I want & a lot less what the fucking catty, craptastic people at the goth club thing. An old goth club, where goths go to die. They're already dead. With their failed marriages & sorry excuse for love. None of you apart from John are my friends. I think we're all worthless skin. Still insecure about putting on weight & losing you hair, you spend all this time on your look that you've lost your personality along the way.
I have so much I need to do before the gym today. I'm exhausted already.
So, I got into yet another car accident which is going to fuck up moving I think. Oh yea, that's right... Remember Stephanie? We got an apartment. Anyhow, the deal with this car accident really sucks balls because I knew I needed a new car soon but, I didn't think I had to go looking for one right away. I'm so far in debt since "Dayna's world tour 2007" that I thought I could get everything together if I didn't get a new car.
I just have to push myself to get the money I need to get my bills down & everything. I have three weeks, hopefully I can do it in 3 weeks. I don't know. Money is always plauging me. It sucks.
I have no remorse for the things I do, or did to other people. It's like that tool song "Do unto others what has been done to you".
I lost myself in the last few years & sometimes I know don't know who I am.
I'm not depressed, in fact I'm not really anything. I'm still hung over, no other is enough apparently. I've been drinking spring water for hours now.
I woke up this morning a different person. It might have been right, if only I wasn't so conceited, maybe a family is what I need. Realistically, I'd get bored with that. I realised something about myself. I'm a bit of an actress & if they play is good enough I'll stay with the theater company for a while... I don't know how to live life any other way. I can be whatever you want me to be [within reason]. It's not just hair dye & clothes, I can give you the emotions you want, I'll kiss you that way & you'll want to be with me what you understand as "forever". I'm not sure I was ever interested with the real me. She doesn't have anything I can use for any part.
Sometimes I wonder if what I wrote was honest, that it was the real me thinking & not something I've made myself believe, I don't know.
I think whats wrong with me is my two different worlds, one's reality & the other is this "theater" i've created.
With the Holidays finally over; I've had to build my money empire once again. However, I decided it would be a lovely time to go back to school.
The nice surprise was the girl who was in my math class last year is in it again this year she's also in my english comp one course.
I don't think you want to know how many times I've signed up for English comp one & decided against it.
Beckey & I are using each other once again as a fail safe. Shell go if I go.
Math in general sucks. The Professor Young is not by any means really strict or anything but she just drones on like all the other math teachers. She also isn't much to look at, the same dreadfully boring bowl haircut that every math teacher I've ever had has sported, aside from Miss Gordon was just plain hot. Her sense of style just screams she was born to be a math teacher... what, with the sears XL sweaters & the straight leg black stacks, making her look like she's about to pass out due to extreme heat. She did, however have this little nervous laugh, which kind of eases her students. She's human, what a surprise. One text book = 140
My comp one teacher though, I like him a lot. He's extremely witty and very funny. I've only heard good things about him so that's why I'm talking my classes in the middle of the day. He also seems very relaxed about everything. Basically stating if I miss classes, that's on me but I better have a damn good excuse if I want to make up work. text book = 40 dollars USED.
The only time i really plan on missing classes is for SXSW in march. I'll be in Austin, Texas. The only other time I'd not be here is when I'm in London for All Tomorrow's Parties unless of course that's final week - I can't miss that. I do, however want to go... desperately.
I found my Microsoft Office 2004 discs. I thought I had let Casey use them & I'd never see them again. Which is what I thought with my Adobe Cs which had me going around half the internet looking for something to work with mac that I didn't have to pay for. I'm in the process of downloading cs2 & I just found just plain cs on cd. & my Toast. But mark was kind enough to help me out with Toast.
Starting Class next thursday if I can figure out how much I owe & what books I need. I need to get this thing in the shop before i start. Then again, now that I've found my programs - I probably will get kicked out of the class or something, that's my luck.
Anyhow I'm going to go down for a victory nap
BTW ALY i have your ilife. I just found that too.
PS I can't believe they just asked me if I wanted to install MSN Msgnr, you gotta be kidding me, they're lucky I'm using word.
I miss Madonna's 80's dance. You know the one I'm talking about - the one where she bounces up & down with her short 80s hair all pushed up with those stupid blonde highlights & the little daggley cross earrings, the black fingerless gloves & the leather jackets...